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THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!)
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(No, really?)
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!)
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
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War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(Ya' think?!)
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Who would have thought!)
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(
They may be on to something!
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces
(He probably IS the battery charge!)
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?!)
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Do they taste like chicken?)
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(Chain-saw Massacre all over again!)
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
(Boy, are they tall!)
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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Interesting things you find out when you have kids...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball along way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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HUSBANDS' BILL OF RIGHTS
- Amendment I: We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month. - A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you.
- Amendment II: We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands. - We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned.
- Amendment III: We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house. - Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone.
- Amendment IV: We have the right not to be scolded by you. - We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.
- Amendment V: We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart. - Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this -- and that the early service at Church is not one of them.
- Amendment VI: We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves. - Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves.
- Amendment VII: We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need. - Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding... most of the time.
- Amendment VIII: We have the right to watch the big game. - We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die.
- Amendment IX: We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch. - This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.
- Amendment X: We have the right to still use chivalry. - Yes ... we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while.
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Welcome to
Thank you for visiting our beautiful state. Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at, did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it.
4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey
8. Yeah, we have sweetened ice tea. It comes sweetened, you don't need a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon
9. You bring Coke into my house, you should bring rum along, and ice.
10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have half-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat trout, northern pike, walleye and perch, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #2 and #29 go two ways - get on one of them. The more people that leave, the better the hunting & fishing.
15. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
16. Yeah, we have golf courses, more per person than anywhere else on earth. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer.
Please enjoy your stay in North Dakota
Once upon a time in the
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!"
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance.
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The
"Ah," said God. "That's
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the dingbats I'm putting around them in
Only someone who has grown up in
Todd has been with Y93 since 1997...the year of the famous 17-inch snowstorm with 70MPH+ wind gusts! His wife, from the mid-Atlantic, asked, "is this what winters are like?" "Yeah...every day..."
He sent a blank audition tape, and got the job anyway (true story; the guy that hired him is no longer with the company...). He's since been promoted to the Operations Manager position with Clear Channel Radio in Bismarck ("more proof that everyone rises to their level of incompetence...")
He said Family Guy would be back after it had been cancelled (it is). Thank him or blame him, but it's probably just coincidence. (The bazillion illegal downloads of it probably had more to do with it than anything else.)
Todd started working in radio in the '80s. Tacoma, WA, Rochester, MN, Outer Banks, NC, Winchester, VA, back to Outer Banks, NC, to Columbus, OH, then Bismarck-Mandan. But his early experience was working for Rob Sherwood, the guy he grew up listening to in the Twin Cities.
Todd went to college for 5-and-a-half years, and got no degree. Was an Ohio State Buckeye, so naturally hates the Michigan Wolverines ("Ann Arbor is such a GIRL'S name!").
But actually, he's pretty harmless. Write him anytime (toddmitchell@clearchannel.com).
Also, check out his MySpace site for even more fun and frolic!
(many people can think of someone for whom this just might fit...)
GOOD
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar po st in
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A
moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
and left.
BALANCE....
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of
peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled as he said:
"There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
Words to live by, that John Tesh WOULDN'T give you (not that he'd necessarily disagree!):
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
(Reminds me of despair.com, one of my favorite stores, and guilty pleasures. Thanks for the list, Lori!)
(Thanks to Todd Wandler for this:)
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.
(Thanks to Gene Grainer for passing this priceless gem along...)
The Parents That Drugged Us...
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question.
"Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"
I replied I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem,
God bless the parents who drugged us.
His wife was REALLY angry. She told him, “tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped right in the middle of the driveway!
Confused, the wife put on her roe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found….a brand new BATHROOM SCALE.
….Ed has been missing since Friday….
Blonde Cookbook
Monday: It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: HE wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing So I didn't dress.? What a surprise when Bill brought a friend home for supper
Wednsday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.? I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. ? Bill asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. ?I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Bill keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: SOME folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
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Subject: The Stella Awards
Proof of entitlement mentality
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
verdicts in the
head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go…
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma Cit y, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?
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